"Raelyn's Mom"

    I remember the first time I heard those words, "So you are Raelyn's Mom?". It was in the NICU at Mercy Hospital. The woman asking the question was the mother of the little boy sharing a room with my daughter. It was such a crazy sensation to hear those words...odd, thrilling, and dripping with significance. The realization that yes, I was in fact someone's mother. I was (am) responsible for her well-being, her upbringing, and so much more. Some of my initial thoughs were:

       Yup! That's me! Ain't she pretty? And small...sooo small....and helpless....How scary is that??? Shouldn't they give you a manual or something? And seriously, how is just anyone allowed to do this? Not to mention, ME???



My husband holding my baby's hand

   As the months have passed, I have been understanding more and more the meaning to those words ---though in many ways I have so much more to learn. One large thing I have learned, is that it's not about being the perfect parent, but...more about really trying to be...there. It's not about just being physically there, but also about being emotionally and lovingly present. Sometimes, the way my life is, I can't always be physically there, but being there on the emotional and loving level when I am around is key! And believe me...sometimes that is really, really hard and I don't do a good job of it most of the time, at least in my own eyes.

 Ever since my daughter came home from her two week stint in the hospital after birth, we have lived with my parents. It has been an incredible blessing to have so much help around the clock that when other people would offer to watch the baby for me (outside my family), so that I could get a break, I wasn't really sure what they were talking about. "What break? I really don't need one". I didn't need one, because though I was definitely a tired new mom, I had so much help that it was quite bearable. Also, I was blessed that my daughter was and is a very easy baby and only ever had a very small bout of colic. So, all in all, I didn't need a break.

 However, sometimes I worry that all the help, to an extent, has been a detriment based on my reaction to it. I think in some ways, I let people help too much ---more because I felt insecure in fulfilling my daughter's needs. After I stopped working regularly, it did help more, as I felt I really did have more time to bond with my daughter and take time to get to know her and know how to care for her.

 I have to catch myself when I take too much advantage of the help I am so graciously offered. I need to spend more time actively engaged with her and not simply content with her being in the same room. It is very easy to do...because as I said, she is an easy baby. She is quite happy entertaining herself...and, as she isn't a very cuddly baby (many times I have wished she was at least a little more so), she doesn't demand all the lovey dovey time...and in many cases shuns it. As I am a very touchy person, this has been a little harder for me to understand ---I have had to learn to meet with her on a different level, and that is a challenge in and of itself.



My husband holding her hand again...man he sure has this dad thing down :)



 The main challenge I find now, is how to actively raise her and engage with her, while also tending to my own needs. I do not believe that our children should be "everything to us", in that my spouse also has to come first, right after Christ, then my daughter, but I should also not neglect myself. My reasoning behind this is that I want to be an example to my daughter of someone who can be a loving and supportive wife, a highly involved mother, and a woman who can also pursue other dreams and goals. I do believe it is possible to do all of the above...but I'm not saying it is easy by any stretch of the imagination.

    Wouldn't we all love to be the "whole package" right? I'm still not entirely sure what that is...but reading Proverbs 31:10-31 gives me an idea of what it could be, even though I'm sure it is very different for each woman, depending on what God's call on their lives is.

Ahh...so much more to say...but I think it will have to wait for another time. As it is, I started working on this blog at around 9 am...it is now almost 4 pm....needless to say...I am a mom :)

  The best I can do is keep trying right? Right? Or maybe...it's more than "trying". Maybe it is actually "giving in". Giving in to who God has called me to be and not trying so desperately to control everything. Maybe then I wouldn't need to try so hard....huh?

My little one and I when she was almost 7 months