God's plan

 Well, now that it's been over a week since I last wrote...let me explain a little as to why. Life is consistently moving and changing and I feel constantly swept up in the tides. Last week, I found out
we aren't getting the house we put in the rental application for. After waiting and waiting for something to come up in our price range in Yukon...well there you have it. However, the minute I began to get upset I remembered my prayer:

                    "God, if we are meant to get this place and if we can truly afford it please help us get it. If it is not a good plan please help them to say no."

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So, I guess I really can't complain. Right? Since that day, I have seen a few reasons as to why getting that house may not have been a good idea right now. First, my husband and my job situations haven't been improving quite as quickly as originally planned. Second, we have been receiving the run-around from financial aid and neither of us have any for this semester so far...school started today by the way (so guess who is on a payment plan??). And Thirdly, we really needed a new computer, and let's just say that it wasn't the cheapest purchase despite the good deal that we got on it.

Well...lookee there....looks like we can't afford it! Hmmm...to think God may have known what He was doing?

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 Life has been a little hectic with getting ready for school to start and getting prepared to venture into unknown territory for me, the World of Business. For those who need a little background, might I say that I was previously a Theater Education Major. I recently left my University and Bachelor's Program and transferred back to community college (I already have an Associates of Arts Degree), to pursue an Associates of Applied Science in Business Management (nice long title right?).

So how many of you think I am crazy right now by show of hands? Well....thankfully I can't see those hands so let us just move on with the story.

My husband and I have plans to one day have a business of our own. Though this business is one that we see as a goal for the future and not one that is soon to be around the corner, is it something we really feel led by God to do, and it is something that we really want to do too (always a plus).

I have realized over the years, time and time again, though I never seem to understand it in the midst of things usually, that God has His plan. And...His plan is good, whether I always think so or not.

        " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  -Jeremiah 29:11

       "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

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 Even in some of my most recent experiences, I have seen God work for the good in my life. I remember thinking, when my husband and I were trying to get pregnant, that God must want me to be infertile or something and how could He do this to me? We've been trying for over a year! Doesn't He care??? But then...I did get pregnant. Not when I was living with my husband in our own apartment or in the house we had hoped to buy, but by the time we were living with my parents because we could no longer afford the home we were in. 

That did not seem like good timing to me then. And yet, it was also the time I was finally covered under the insurance under my husband's work which paid for all the medical bills at virtually 100% (which was quite the blessing with a NICU bill for a two week stay). Also, my family was around, especially my mother, who, having had 5 children of her own, was sympathetic to my pregnant self but still knew to check me on my attitude when I needed it. In addition, my mom was there to take me to the doctor numerous times and was the one who took me in for observation when my doctor thought I might be going into labor. And then when I was cleared of pre-term labor, less than a month later my mother was the one who rushed me to the hospital (Brad was at work, but we were able to call him when I confirmed I was going into labor and he hurried to the hospital) where I delivered my daughter at less than 36 weeks. She was also there to bring me food, clothing, and keep me company while I stayed in the NICU (she was there for two weeks and I was there for most of that time) with our daughter and Brad worked. She has been there since I left the hospital to support and advise me on caring for my daughter, always being helpful but not overbearing. Also, she watches my daughter frequently so Brad and I can work, go to school, and even have a date night here and there. God knew what He was doing when He put me near my mom!

We were also really blessed to have such a good staff at Mercy Hospital. I thank God so much for them.

Also, over the time of living with my parents, Brad and I have really grown together in our marriage despite many struggles and continue to be better for it. 

 In other words, we are so blessed. It is funny because even the fact that Raelyn was born early, in many ways, was better. It fell on vacation for me from school and work (her due date was initially supposed to be after the new semester had started). I was able to take extra time off for work to be with her than I initially thought I would have, and I had such an amazing teacher who really worked with me for my on campus class so that the attendance wouldn't be a large factor that semester as long as I completed the work. 

God has a plan...even when I don't understand it. And...even in other situations where I can't see the light right now and wonder if I ever will...God is still good.


                                    Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
                                                     for his compassions never fail.  
                                                                 They are new every morning;
                                                          great is your faithfulness. 
                                                           Lamentations 3:22-23

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The Religion of Church

  



About to begin this post, I am really wondering what anyone who reads this will think of me if they make it to the end of it. And yet...I'm encouraged by the fact that it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. This is my thought and my conviction...and I feel the urge to share it...so here it goes.



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   I was really struck with the realization today that I needed to stop fighting...and it was okay. Through the last few years, my husband and I have not been incredibly consistent about going to church (in the sense of being there every Sunday). When we moved to Oklahoma, we left our church in Arizona, and then joined another church. We love our church here and the people. However, we used to live closer to it, and now, after baby, with the price of gas, the fact that my husband now works every day but Sunday, getting to church has just become hard. The church that is easy to go to is my parent's church, and we go there too...but still, not every Sunday, and sometimes not more than one Sunday a month.



  For the longest time this bothered me. After all, I am a Christian, I should be in church! I grew up attending church every Sunday! Minus of course the brief stint my family took for home church (when between churches), but my dad is a pastor, and heck we even sang songs! So...I should be in church right? And geez...what will people think if I'm not there? Especially my family that we currently live with? (note: they have never said anything judgemental to us on this point...they are very kind and loving...but grow up in a churchgoing family and tell them you aren't going to church and try not to feel embarrassed or like a bad Christian...seriously...just try it. It doesn't even matter how they react or even if they care...you still feel like you are dissapointing them).



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  We are called to not give up meeting together as Christians right? That is what Hebrews 10:25 says! But....like any good Dakar Academy Bible student who ever had Mr. Sapp as a teacher, I know to look at the context. The context of the verses around this verse, then the book written and the author, then the Bible, then what we know of God to be true. Looking at the verses before and after, I am even more convinced that this is not simply about showing up to Church. I found a commentary on this passage that I greatly appreciate written by James Finley entitled What does the Passage Mean? Hebrews 10:25. His ending line is great:

    "Now as then we need to meet together with people of like faith. All of us need to be encouraged because our pathway through this world is strewn with obstacles. We need to share our good times with others so that they may be encouraged and we need to share our bad times with others so that they may encourage us. This, I believe, is the message of Hebrews 10:25. Once more, the writer is not talking about attendance records." -James Finley

 So, I began to examine my anger towards my husband over the fact that we aren't always in church...because after all it has to be all his fault because he is the leader? Right? So what if it is sometimes me that keeps us from going? He should force me right? So what if he does his best to make sure we spend time with God together if we miss church? So what if he does his best to be a godly leader every other day of the week? If we aren't in church on Sunday, well then, the rest of it is worthless! Right.....? 

  Then I realized it. My anger had nothing to do with God or spending time with Christ. I felt that if I showed up in church attendance on Sunday that I was somehow vindicated as a Christian...well that and less people would think I was a heathen or something. Church had stopped being about God and was about what other people thought of me and my family. At Church, I would insist on seeing people...not necessarily because I wanted to see them (though I did and that was a plus), but more so they could see I was there.

                              "Look at me, I'm a good Christian. I'm here at church!" 



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  Now, don't get me wrong, I do love going to church. I love to be around other Christians. I love to feel the encouragement. But it has to stop being about the "attendance record" as Finley so aptly put it. It has to not be about what it looks like to other people. It has to be about Christ.

  I have come to the realization that there is nothing wrong with missing church. Yup, I said it. We are not forsaking it as Finley explains:

           
         "Forsake means to give up, to quit, to leave, to abandon. It implies finality. Here it refers to stopping a practice. It does not refer to "perfect (or imper-fecO attendance" at a religious ceremony. Instead, the writer is encouraging those addressed to continue their practice of meeting together. The time of such meetings is not specified but rather a general statement that could only refer to a practice. If we were told not to forsake eating we would not wonder which meal was meant or how much to eat on which day. We would understand that the writer was telling us to continue to eat without being specific as to when to eat, what food to eat, or where to eat. Likewise, Hebrew-s 10:25 says to continue to meet together without being specific as to when and where to meet."

   So, what's my job now? To stop fighting it. Stop fighting the battle that leads me down the path of placing Church and other people's idea of my faith before My God, My Salvation. Start fighting the battle for my family. Fight to keep Christ at the center of our lives every day --not just Sunday.

  I acknowledge every individual has a seperate call on their lives from God, which includes things like church attendance I'm sure (particularly our pastors). However, I am choosing to act on the call God has given both my husband and I. It is not always easy to accept...but hey, it's his call....not mine.

                                                               Psalm 18: 1-2
"I love you, lord, my strength. The lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." 

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"Raelyn's Mom"

    I remember the first time I heard those words, "So you are Raelyn's Mom?". It was in the NICU at Mercy Hospital. The woman asking the question was the mother of the little boy sharing a room with my daughter. It was such a crazy sensation to hear those words...odd, thrilling, and dripping with significance. The realization that yes, I was in fact someone's mother. I was (am) responsible for her well-being, her upbringing, and so much more. Some of my initial thoughs were:

       Yup! That's me! Ain't she pretty? And small...sooo small....and helpless....How scary is that??? Shouldn't they give you a manual or something? And seriously, how is just anyone allowed to do this? Not to mention, ME???



My husband holding my baby's hand

   As the months have passed, I have been understanding more and more the meaning to those words ---though in many ways I have so much more to learn. One large thing I have learned, is that it's not about being the perfect parent, but...more about really trying to be...there. It's not about just being physically there, but also about being emotionally and lovingly present. Sometimes, the way my life is, I can't always be physically there, but being there on the emotional and loving level when I am around is key! And believe me...sometimes that is really, really hard and I don't do a good job of it most of the time, at least in my own eyes.

 Ever since my daughter came home from her two week stint in the hospital after birth, we have lived with my parents. It has been an incredible blessing to have so much help around the clock that when other people would offer to watch the baby for me (outside my family), so that I could get a break, I wasn't really sure what they were talking about. "What break? I really don't need one". I didn't need one, because though I was definitely a tired new mom, I had so much help that it was quite bearable. Also, I was blessed that my daughter was and is a very easy baby and only ever had a very small bout of colic. So, all in all, I didn't need a break.

 However, sometimes I worry that all the help, to an extent, has been a detriment based on my reaction to it. I think in some ways, I let people help too much ---more because I felt insecure in fulfilling my daughter's needs. After I stopped working regularly, it did help more, as I felt I really did have more time to bond with my daughter and take time to get to know her and know how to care for her.

 I have to catch myself when I take too much advantage of the help I am so graciously offered. I need to spend more time actively engaged with her and not simply content with her being in the same room. It is very easy to do...because as I said, she is an easy baby. She is quite happy entertaining herself...and, as she isn't a very cuddly baby (many times I have wished she was at least a little more so), she doesn't demand all the lovey dovey time...and in many cases shuns it. As I am a very touchy person, this has been a little harder for me to understand ---I have had to learn to meet with her on a different level, and that is a challenge in and of itself.



My husband holding her hand again...man he sure has this dad thing down :)



 The main challenge I find now, is how to actively raise her and engage with her, while also tending to my own needs. I do not believe that our children should be "everything to us", in that my spouse also has to come first, right after Christ, then my daughter, but I should also not neglect myself. My reasoning behind this is that I want to be an example to my daughter of someone who can be a loving and supportive wife, a highly involved mother, and a woman who can also pursue other dreams and goals. I do believe it is possible to do all of the above...but I'm not saying it is easy by any stretch of the imagination.

    Wouldn't we all love to be the "whole package" right? I'm still not entirely sure what that is...but reading Proverbs 31:10-31 gives me an idea of what it could be, even though I'm sure it is very different for each woman, depending on what God's call on their lives is.

Ahh...so much more to say...but I think it will have to wait for another time. As it is, I started working on this blog at around 9 am...it is now almost 4 pm....needless to say...I am a mom :)

  The best I can do is keep trying right? Right? Or maybe...it's more than "trying". Maybe it is actually "giving in". Giving in to who God has called me to be and not trying so desperately to control everything. Maybe then I wouldn't need to try so hard....huh?

My little one and I when she was almost 7 months

Me? Fly?

      

     So, I've been debating awhile on whether or not to start a blog. I always had an excuse as to why not to: not enough time and too little privacy being the two main ones. However, I am finally biting the proverbial bullet and giving it a shot. I made the realization it doesn't really matter if I have a lot of readers or if I say things that are incredibly profound in nature. What matters is that I feel like I should do it, and honestly, I need the outlet. And of course, the hope that maybe, someone out there might listen...maybe...after this first incredible long post...who knows? Haha!

    The inspiration for my blogger name and this first post is based on the verses from Isaiah 40:30-31.

                          "Even youths grow tired and weary,
                          and young men stumble and fall;
                          but those who hope in the Lord
                          will renew their strength.
                         They will soar on wings like eagles;
                         they will run and not grow weary,
                         they will walk and not be faint."

     Lately I have been asking God the questions of how and why? How can I do the mom thing, wife thing, work thing, school thing, and make everything work together thing...? How can I do all this living with my parents...still...where my husband and I have been living for the past year and a half? How can I do all this being so weary of the world and feeling so much sadness with being surrounded by so much death lately?

                                  How can I...fly?

The answers...are above. The verses above those really say it all. Though there is much in the verses, what stands out to me the most in this section is:

25 “To whom will you compare me?
    Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
26 Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
    Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
    and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
    not one of them is missing.
27 Why do you complain, Jacob?
    Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord;
    my cause is disregarded by my God”?
28 Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.

    
  I have felt so discouraged between not being able to figure out where I fit exactly in my parent's home (I'm their daughter, but also a mother and wife now). My parents and family as wonderful and helpful as they are, I'm sure are also beginning to wonder when we will finally find our own home again. We have had so many problems trying to find a place to live in our price range and in the right area. We have had trouble with school and jobs. And then, when I begin to even remotely feel bad for myself...I begin to think of others who have it so much worse, and then of course feel bad all over again! Like, how can I complain when others are hurting worse than I am?

As if my regular life weren't enough to make me weary...the sadness of deaths so close to me has made things even harder. I lost my grandfather last year, my husband has lost three members of his family in the past year, one of my best friends and her husband had beautiful twin boys who passed away, an incredible young man and former classmate passed away, and it seems like soooo many other people we know have lost people, all within this last year.

Sometimes the sadness and stress resulting from everything becomes too much to handle...those days I am especially glad to be near my mother. Today, I was incredibly stressed and barking at everyone...and then my mother offers me her room and computer to watch my new DVD gift from my birthday yesterday (the final season of 7th Heaven), and takes my daughter for awhile. She took care of her, then fed her some squash and bathed her -basically got her ready for me to put to bed. It was so nice just to have that moment. But...in that moment, I could feel God asking me,

                     "Why is this show more comforting than Me?"

I had no good answer to that question. But I think I have more of one now. I think it is because I spend so much time saying I will be content with what God has for me...and not being. It is head knowledge and not heart knowledge. I believe that "my cause has been disregarded by My God" . And if the Lord of my Life disregards it....then who will regard it? But...as the verse shows...I am so wrong.

I have seen over the years, time and again, where things didn't work out in my timing and proved to be better for it. That doesn't change the fact that I'm tired. I don't know how I can fly...heck, even if I want to! Flying takes trust...trust that the wind will keep you up and takes the control out of your own hands...and believe me...I like control!

So....here's to trying to fly...

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