Me? Fly?

      

     So, I've been debating awhile on whether or not to start a blog. I always had an excuse as to why not to: not enough time and too little privacy being the two main ones. However, I am finally biting the proverbial bullet and giving it a shot. I made the realization it doesn't really matter if I have a lot of readers or if I say things that are incredibly profound in nature. What matters is that I feel like I should do it, and honestly, I need the outlet. And of course, the hope that maybe, someone out there might listen...maybe...after this first incredible long post...who knows? Haha!

    The inspiration for my blogger name and this first post is based on the verses from Isaiah 40:30-31.

                          "Even youths grow tired and weary,
                          and young men stumble and fall;
                          but those who hope in the Lord
                          will renew their strength.
                         They will soar on wings like eagles;
                         they will run and not grow weary,
                         they will walk and not be faint."

     Lately I have been asking God the questions of how and why? How can I do the mom thing, wife thing, work thing, school thing, and make everything work together thing...? How can I do all this living with my parents...still...where my husband and I have been living for the past year and a half? How can I do all this being so weary of the world and feeling so much sadness with being surrounded by so much death lately?

                                  How can I...fly?

The answers...are above. The verses above those really say it all. Though there is much in the verses, what stands out to me the most in this section is:

25 “To whom will you compare me?
    Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
26 Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
    Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
    and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
    not one of them is missing.
27 Why do you complain, Jacob?
    Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord;
    my cause is disregarded by my God”?
28 Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.

    
  I have felt so discouraged between not being able to figure out where I fit exactly in my parent's home (I'm their daughter, but also a mother and wife now). My parents and family as wonderful and helpful as they are, I'm sure are also beginning to wonder when we will finally find our own home again. We have had so many problems trying to find a place to live in our price range and in the right area. We have had trouble with school and jobs. And then, when I begin to even remotely feel bad for myself...I begin to think of others who have it so much worse, and then of course feel bad all over again! Like, how can I complain when others are hurting worse than I am?

As if my regular life weren't enough to make me weary...the sadness of deaths so close to me has made things even harder. I lost my grandfather last year, my husband has lost three members of his family in the past year, one of my best friends and her husband had beautiful twin boys who passed away, an incredible young man and former classmate passed away, and it seems like soooo many other people we know have lost people, all within this last year.

Sometimes the sadness and stress resulting from everything becomes too much to handle...those days I am especially glad to be near my mother. Today, I was incredibly stressed and barking at everyone...and then my mother offers me her room and computer to watch my new DVD gift from my birthday yesterday (the final season of 7th Heaven), and takes my daughter for awhile. She took care of her, then fed her some squash and bathed her -basically got her ready for me to put to bed. It was so nice just to have that moment. But...in that moment, I could feel God asking me,

                     "Why is this show more comforting than Me?"

I had no good answer to that question. But I think I have more of one now. I think it is because I spend so much time saying I will be content with what God has for me...and not being. It is head knowledge and not heart knowledge. I believe that "my cause has been disregarded by My God" . And if the Lord of my Life disregards it....then who will regard it? But...as the verse shows...I am so wrong.

I have seen over the years, time and again, where things didn't work out in my timing and proved to be better for it. That doesn't change the fact that I'm tired. I don't know how I can fly...heck, even if I want to! Flying takes trust...trust that the wind will keep you up and takes the control out of your own hands...and believe me...I like control!

So....here's to trying to fly...

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