Confessions of Hateful Parenting

Photo Credit

      Now before anyone freaks out here by the title of the post - bear with me. Read it all the way through and you may have a better understanding of what this title means.

      As a parent I have found many a time that I have over disciplined or under disciplined my daughter or handled a situation badly with my infant son. Now before you reach to the phone to call 911, this isn't about child abuse. I am choosing a word that will draw attention - Hate. This is never
a word one wants to see aside the word Parenting. Therefore, this is also a perfect word for this purpose. Not only is it perfect - but in its own way, it is accurate.


    Hate has numerous definitions. One definition would be "intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury." Now, I am not saying that given this definition that anyone out there, including myself hates their children. There are people out there who do but that is not the norm and this is not what I am addressing.

This post began with a lot more words - words that tried to explain everything - but rather than explaining everything and trying to be philosophical - I have decided to just be honest.  Of course...that still takes a lot of words.

Sometimes, I am overwhelmed. Sometimes I don't care. Sometimes I am angry, fearful, or feel offended. Often times I take the anger that I have with someone else and direct it to another - sometimes my children. Instead of breathing and handing it over to God I wind up screaming and overreacting or just staying silent and ignoring the problem. 

I was convicted of this this morning when God brought the term "hateful parenting" to mind. I was a little appalled by it I have to say. All I could think is, "This isn't hateful. It's not like I'm abusing my kids or want them dead or anything." To clarify the last statement, growing up I was always informed that hating something/someone meant you wanted them/it to die. 

Photo Credit

I had gotten angry and frustrated over something with someone else and then reacted badly to a disobedient act my daughter was doing - finding the markers to draw on something yet again. Now to top off the frustration I already had - I was also frustrated with the person who had left the markers within reach, the fact that I was in the middle of changing her brother's diaper, and that she was disobeying for the umpteenth time what she had been told not to do. However, yanking markers away and yelling and screaming were not the way I should have handled that situation. Hindsight is 20/20 however. 

Would I have immediately concluded that this was a hateful act. No. But when the phrase was brought to mind I began to think on it. Hate, I would say, is closely related to selfishness which can be defined as "having or showing concern only for yourself and not for the needs or feelings of other people". When we act hatefully we are usually acting that way because we are focused on ourselves and not others. When I am more concerned with how I feel and what I want then what my child needs in that moment - I typically respond in a way that is hateful. This includes when I don't say anything at all because I don't want to deal with the issue. It is a complete disregard for my child that translates into a lack of care for their well-being and upbringing.

Photo Credit

It is not because I hate them...it is because in that moment, I hate "parenting". I hate/loathe the idea of being responsible to "parent" my child in the way he or she needs. This brings to mind a couple of things.

#1: I read an article this morning entitled "Parents Hate Parenting Because They're Doing it Wrong." I think the author does make some very good points in here particularly surrounding the ideas of what modern day parenting should look like and the faults it brings. However, that is really a bigger topic that I won't delve into right now.

#2: As a Christian, how should I be parenting? The Bible speaks of "training up a child" and if you do it correctly the child will not depart from it. Now, how intimidating is that? Well it should be. As no one is perfect, parents or children, this is truly an unachievable goal because you can be a great parent and your child can still end up making terrible decisions. We are not perfect parents and so yes, we can try as hard as we can, but that doesn't always guarantee the results we may hope for. However, we still must try our best.
    I found an interesting interpretation of this verse that pointed out also that part of the original Hebrew text refers to training each child uniquely to their form of temperament. Every child is different and therefore some training should vary between children and suit them accordingly. This again, is a long topic to enter into so I will stop here.

 #3: And Ephesians 6:4  and 2 Timothy 3:16 come to mind as well - but seriously if I delve into everything you will never finish reading this and if you are still reading this by now - kudos to you. 

Photo Credit

  So, with these three things in mind - where does that leave me other than more dismayed than I started out? So, I get that I shouldn't hate parenting my children (even in the small moments) and should put their needs first (different than wants). I get that I am expected to train them according to God's word as well. I also get that if one more person says, "That sounds like poor training on the part of the parent" I might scream....so...really where does that leave me?? Other than regret, self-pity and feeling like a terrible parent?

 
I am left - on my knees. I am left praying. I am left realizing that I don't and never will have all the answers. I am left to relinquish my anger, my hatred, my selfishness...to the only One who can really handle it. I am left asking for wisdom on how to guide my children from The One that knows them the best: The One who created them and me. I am left realizing that the only way I stand a chance at really doing this well is listening to The One who wrote the rules.